Capacity Shifts: We Don’t Have to Be “On” All Day
Have you ever noticed that some days you wake up ready to take on the world and other days, just getting out of bed feels like a victory?
That’s capacity.
It shifts daily, sometimes even moment by moment. Two minutes ago you walked to the kitchen feeling just fine to do the dishes, but then you saw the mess on the floor and now the dishes feel too overwhelming and your voice raises as you holler loudly for someone to come clean up the mess. That shifted quickly!
Here’s the piece we often forget: kids’ capacities shift just as much as ours do. And yet, many times we expect them to be at full capacity all day, every day. When they aren’t, we can end up labeling their behavior as “bad,” “lazy,” or “defiant.” In reality, much of the time their nervous system is simply showing us that their cup is empty or bubbling over.
And if we’re honest, sometimes it’s not even about them… it’s about us. On the days when our capacity is lower, we’re quicker to see our child’s behavior as a problem. Instead of placing the blame on them, what if we started with ourselves first?
Three questions is all you need to ask: What am I feeling? How do I know? What do I need?
Step One: Check In With Yourself
Before we can connect to our kids, we have to connect to ourselves. Try asking:
What am I feeling?
Am I anxious, tired, overwhelmed, peaceful, restless, or calm? Naming it helps.
How do I know?
Tune into your body. Interoception is your awareness of internal body cues. Try noticing:
My chest feels tight
My heart is racing
My stomach feels heavy
My jaw is clenched
My breathing feels shallow
My shoulders are tense
My eyes feel heavy
My body feels buzzy, restless, or wired
What do I need?
Needs might be as simple as:
A deep breath
A sip of water
A five-minute break in the bathroom
A quick stretch or walk outside
Texting a friend
Saying out loud, “This feels hard right now.”
Step Two: Check In With Your Child
Once you’ve taken a moment for you, shift your focus outward.
What is my child showing me?
Behaviors are communication. Possible signs might be:
Clinginess or whining
Tantrums or meltdowns
Yelling, arguing, or talking back
Zoning out or seeming “checked out”
Over-excitement, running around, bouncing off walls
Avoiding tasks or shutting down
How do I know?
Look for the somatic signs in your child:
Flushed cheeks or teary eyes
Fists clenched
Shoulders slumped
Breathing fast or shallow
Restless movement
Eyes looking away, not meeting yours
Curling into themselves or pulling away
What do they need?
Needs can vary, but often include:
A safe hug or some closeness
Space and quiet
Validation: “I see you’re upset”
Movement—jumping, swinging, running
Playfulness to lighten the moment
Co-regulation: your calm nervous system helping theirs
Permission to not “push through” right now
The Shift We All Make
Capacity shifts all day long for us and for our kids. The goal isn’t to be calm or regulated every moment. That’s not realistic. The goal is to stay connected to ourselves, to our bodies, and to our children.
When we recognize our limits and tune into theirs, we stop blaming and start attuning. That’s where growth happens. That’s where connection deepens. And that’s where both you and your child find the safety to shift, ebb, and flow together.
You don’t need to be perfect, and your child doesn’t either. You just need to stay present to the changing rhythms of capacity.
