Supporting Siblings When Meltdowns Occur in the Home
When one child in the family experiences high levels of aggression, parents often carry heavy worries for their other children.
“Will this cause trauma?”
“Will they ever have a close sibling relationship?”
“Am I neglecting one child to manage the other’s behaviors?”
These fears are real. And yet, they don’t have to be the end of the story. With intentional coregulation, reframing, and support, siblings can develop not only resiliency but also deep empathy and understanding that serve them for a lifetime.
Why Aggression Shows Up at Home
In the previous post we dove deep into meltdowns and masking. But what about the siblings who do not have meltdowns, but always seem to bear witness to them? This post is for those siblings. You can click here if you missed the conversation.
In case you can’t read the previous post right now, here is a quick summary- Children who mask at school or in public often use every ounce of energy to keep it together. When they return home (their safest place) the mask comes off, sometimes through meltdowns or aggressive outbursts. This is not a sign of manipulation; it’s a sign of exhaustion and the nervous system seeking release.
For siblings watching or experiencing this, it can feel confusing, frightening, or even unfair. From an interpersonal neurobiology perspective, Dan Siegel reminds us that the brain is a “social organ” shaped by relationships. Siblings are constantly making meaning of what they see, storing not just the facts but the felt sense of safety (or lack of it) in their nervous system.
What the Non-Aggressive Sibling Might Experience
Attachment theory tells us that children learn how to be in relationships based on how safe and seen they feel in the family system. A sibling who does not exhibit the aggressive behaviors may still carry silent burdens:
Hypervigilance: always scanning the environment for cues of when the next outburst might come.
People-pleasing: believing they must “be good” to avoid adding more stress.
Invisible grief: mourning the idea of what sibling relationships “should” look like.
Confusion and shame: wondering why their sibling’s needs come first or why they themselves feel jealous.
The sibling’s body sends somatic cues as a way of signaling that the nervous system is holding big feelings. Children often don’t say directly, “I feel scared” or “I feel left out.” , but there are tiny signals they are asking for help. Here are signs the parents can attune to so coregulation can occur.
Hyperaroused Signals (Fight/Flight)
The child’s system is on “high alert” and mobilized:
Restlessness or constant movement (pacing, fidgeting, tapping)
Talking over others
Difficulty falling asleep
Irritability, quick frustration, or snapping at others
Clenched fists or jaw
Wide eyes, darting gaze
Shallow or rapid breathing
Complaints of stomachaches or headaches when stressed
Hypoaroused Signals (Freeze/Collapse)
The child’s system is “shutting down” or pulling inward:
Withdrawal from play or family activities
Quietness, flat affect, or “spacing out”
Heavy, slumped posture
Slow responses or “I don’t know” answers
Long naps or excessive fatigue
Avoiding eye contact or turning away
Lack of interest in favorite activities
Slower breathing
Mixed Signals (Shifting Between Hyper and Hypo)
Some children oscillate between high energy and shutdown states:
Overly silly or giddy followed by sudden withdrawal
Bursts of energy (running, shouting) followed by laying down or hiding
Rapid changes in mood or tone of voice
Alternating between needing constant attention and wanting to be left alone
Eating a lot at once or barely eating at all, depending on state
Starting homework with intensity but giving up quickly and “checking out”
These cues are not misbehavior. They are nervous system signals. When parents attune to them with curiosity and compassion, they can step in and help provide a felt sense of safety.
Compassion for Your Own History
Parenting touches the history our own nervous system. When we see one child’s aggression or another child’s silence, it can stir echoes of our own childhood. This might be times we felt unseen, unsafe, or overshadowed.
Practicing self-compassion is vital. Ask yourself:
“Where am I feeling this in my body right now?”
“Does this remind me of something from my own past?”
“What do I need in this moment?”
Tending to your own nervous system creates the possibility for presence with your children. When you soften toward yourself, you model for your children what it looks like to face hard things with grace rather than shame. See the post about capacity here for more on this.
Reframing the Fears
It’s natural for parents to hold deep worries about the impact of aggression and meltdowns on their other children. These fears often come from a place of love and protection. You want your children to feel safe, secure, and connected. Naming these fears out loud doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re being honest about the weight you carry. When we bring those worries into the light, we can begin to reframe them, not by dismissing them, but by finding new ways to understand what’s possible for your family.
“They will experience trauma.”
Yes, siblings are impacted. But impact does not always equal trauma. Trauma is less about what happens and more about whether the child has access to safe, attuned relationships to process what’s happening. With your coregulation, they can experience resiliency instead of lasting trauma.“They will never have a good sibling relationship.”
Relationships are not static- they evolve. Their relationship today, might not be their relationship in 20 years. We cannot parent our future children. We need to parent who they are now, and where their relationships are right now. Siblings can learn empathy, patience, and repair. Many adults look back on challenging sibling dynamics and find that these experiences deepened their compassion and ability to navigate complexity in relationships.“They don’t get as much attention.”
While attention may sometimes be uneven, presence is what matters most. Even small, intentional moments of connection (a walk, a cuddle, a shared inside joke) can fill a child’s cup in ways that balance out the chaos.
Tools for Supporting the Non-Aggressive Sibling
Here are ways parents can directly support the sibling who isn’t displaying the aggressive behaviors/meltdowns. Find the ones that feel maintainable.
Name the Experience
Give siblings words that are neutral and non-blaming:
“Your sister’s/brother’s nervous system feels overwhelmed, and it’s letting the big feelings out.”
This helps children externalize the behavior rather than personalize it (this is important).
Validate Their Feelings
Validation reduces shame and fosters attachment security. We can’t always fix it, but saying their feelings out loud matters:
“I can see this feels scary for you.”
“It’s okay to feel mad or jealous sometimes.”
Watch this video by Dr. Dan Siegel here as he talks about "being" versus "doing" with your child.
Create Safe Spaces
Set up a sensory-friendly spot or cozy corner where they can retreat during sibling outbursts. Fill it with calming items: weighted blanket, headphones, drawing supplies, fidgets. This helps their nervous system return to regulation. You can even create a code word for it if you need to request they go there during their sibling’s meltdown. “Hey Bud/Sis. Go to your ‘book nook’ and I’ll meet you there soon.”
Once the meltdown is over and you have found your breath again, meet the sibling in this spot to help them reengage and process with you.
Special Connection Time
Protect 10–15 minutes daily of one-on-one parent-child time. It doesn’t need to be elaborate: a short walk, a bedtime story, hanging out with them while they brush their teeth.
A personal favorite (with links provided) is a round or two of quick games such as Connect 4, Trash, Sleeping Queens, Rat a Tat Cat, Speed. Leave a game or deck of cards out on your kitchen counter or by their bed as a personal reminder. Consistency communicates “I see you. You’re not lost in the shuffle.”
Model Repair
After an outburst, narrate repair and acknowledge, “That was hard for all of us.” Invite (do not force) the sibling who had the meltdown into age-appropriate repair: drawing a card or offering a hug (if safe).
One-on-One Traditions/Rituals
Create small traditions that are just for them such as Saturday morning run to the doughnut shop, a secret handshake, or a special bedtime song. Rituals become anchors of safety and belonging.
Take note- if something is a ritual, then it is a non-negotiable. This means it cannot be taken away or used as a threat for a consequence. Rituals are not contingent on anyone’s behavior. They are consistent anchors.
Empower Their Voice
Encourage siblings to speak up about their needs:
“Do you need space right now or do you want me close?”
“Would you like to help me with dinner or have some quiet time?”
Choice builds agency and reduces helplessness.
Normalize Mixed Emotions
Let them know it’s okay to love their sibling and feel frustrated at the same time. Use metaphors they understand: “It’s like loving your favorite toy, but sometimes the batteries run out and that’s frustrating.”
Create Family Narratives
Revisit tough moments together and retell them in ways that highlight resilience:
“That night was really loud and scary, and remember how we all calmed down together and read a book?”
This strengthens the sibling’s memory networks around safety and repair.Watch this quick video by Dr. Dan Siegel here. In short, he states that "It is not what happened to you as a child that matters, it's how you make sense of what happened to you."
Offer Adult Mentors/Support
Sometimes siblings need safe adults outside the family (grandparents, teachers, or a therapist) to share their feelings.
Encourage Creative Outlets
Sports, art, music, or journaling provide spaces to channel stress and build identity beyond the family role of “the easy one.”
Bottom line: When siblings feel seen, soothed, safe, and secure (Dan Siegel’s “4 S’s”), they can integrate these experiences into resiliency and empathy… not trauma.
The LOVE Technique
Mona Delahooke, in her book Brain-Body Parenting, introduces the LOVE technique which is a simple, compassionate framework that helps parents respond to their children’s nervous systems. While originally applied to moments of behavioral overwhelm, the LOVE framework can also guide parents as they support the sibling who isn’t showing aggression:
L – Listen: Give full attention to the sibling’s words, play, or even silence. Listening without judgment communicates: “Your experience matters.”
O – Observe: Notice their body language, tone, or withdrawal. Sometimes what isn’t said speaks louder.
V – Validate: Reflect their feelings back: “You wish things felt calmer at home. That makes sense.”
E – Empathize: Step into their shoes. Even if you can’t fix the situation, empathy heals.
The LOVE technique helps parents offer attunement in small, repeated moments. Over time, this strengthens attachment and teaches siblings that their stories are worth holding with care.
A Whole-Family Approach
No one in the family is to blame. Aggression is a nervous system response, not a character flaw. Parents are not failing; they are navigating complexity. And siblings are not destined for trauma. They are capable of becoming some of the most resilient, empathetic, and compassionate people because of the very challenges they’ve faced.
Dan Siegel reminds us that “what is shareable is bearable.” When families share the load of emotions, speak honestly, and practice presence, healing is possible for everyone.
Final Encouragement
If you’re a parent feeling pulled in a thousand directions, please hear this: you are doing enough. Every small moment of attunement, every breath you take before responding, every hug you offer builds resilience in all of your children.
The goal isn’t to create a perfect home without conflict. The goal is to nurture a family system where every child feels seen, soothed, safe, and secure. And from that foundation, connection grows… even in the messiest moments.
